♪ [rock]
[Announcer] What are these people running from?
They're not!
They're running to
the world's toughest competition in town.
Today, the novelty gift industry
takes on the death industry.
It's the classic battle
of dime-store gags versus body bags.
So drop what you're doing and get fired up for MXC.
And now, here's two guys to die for:
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano.
Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha!
[Vic] Ken, a great show today.
We have the people who bring us novelty gifts.
and the people who help us to our final resting place, like this here:
the MXC mausoleum,
where many a contestant is laid to rest.
[Kenny] Yeah, look at our MXC mourners with us too.
Right you are, Ken.
Highly paid and highly concerned. Yeah, okay.
Hey, bring out the dead guy, and hurry up.
Dead guy? Oh, my gracious.
Did we lose another contestant?
No, even better. You know how they have fake poo?
Yes, I'm familiar with faux feces.
Yeah, well we got a fake dead guy. I see.
You can bring him out for Sunday brunch. Uh-huh.
You can eat off of him too. Wow.
Yeah. Look at his lifelike cocktail weenie.
Hmm, impressive.
Thank you, boys.
Gab LeDouche here.
And cock-a-doodle-doo.
What a show we have for you.
First up, we dive right into Wet Spot.
Next we yank ourselves with Circle Jerkers Ahoy.
Then the musical mayhem of Elimination Idol.
And we finish ourselves with Wall Bangers.
Mmm...
Let's meet the matriarch of the LeDouche family,
Grandmamma LeDouche.
Now, the man who floats my boat,
the Skipper!
[growling]
[coughs]
Question--
How many of you believe an expensive coffin,
an ornate headstone,
and a celebrity eulogy
is necessary for your eternal happiness?
Show of hands now.
[cheering] Well, you're wrong
Damn it, why waste your money on the dead?
A brass casket or a wooden box,
either way you're worm food.
Captain says live now. Oh, Captain!
I'd like to present you with this hand-carved commemorative
Captain Tenneal headstone.
Oh, that's very nice of you.
I'll just hold it here. You can read it to everyone.
Hold it still! Oh!
You just bought yourself a $98 slab of Egyptian wood, mister.
[chuckles] Let's go!
[Vic] And we're off to Wet Spot.
Five members from each team battle in a pool
of reclaimed cerebral spinal fluid
to find the answers to our questions.
And an academic with a blemished educational record,
here's MXC's Professor G-Spot.
Go! Get wet!
And, of course, the answer is four.
And looks at that, Ken, both teams charging.
Look at them, as they jostle each other for that number four.
Yeah, it's a lot of foreplay.
Oh, and there at the surface,
it's Hymen Tickler and Barry L. Plotz
fighting it out.
Hymen's nickname is Bing. Right you are, Ken.
Barry rips it from Hymen,
and he wins it for the death team.
And go! Get wet!
Who would have thought number two would be the number-1 seller?
Right you are, Ken.
Of course, the right answer is five different kinds of varieties.
There's regular, runny tummy, grass eater,
sock eater, and now new holiday tinsel.
Oh, I love the way that one glitters. Right you are, Ken.
And bobbing to the surface is Muffy Dimsock,
maker of Ben Wa gumballs.
And go! Get wet!
Of course, the correct answer is 14.
And the pond holds 23.
Right you are, Ken.
And right there, diving for the right answer,
that looks like Brian Hull.
Yes, the inventor of Little Chokeables,
the toy for noisy toddlers.
Yeah, it's a bag of buttons, pennies and knobs.
Keeps the kids quiet while you nap.
It's a big seller, Ken.
Go! Get wet!
And, of course, the correct answer is one.
There they go, Ken.
Right there, Casey Erschel,
inventor of the fake moustache
and bloody lesion.
Pasta sold separately. Right you are, Ken.
Casey's stepping on the number one.
Oh. Trying to keep it away from Paul Bearer,
who's trying to pull it out from under him.
Very unsportsmanlike.
And it looks like Casey pulls it out.
And he wins it.
Paul Bearer can't be too happy about that.
Let's go to our MXC impact replay.
Take us through it, Ken. Yeah, right here.
Casey steps on number one
and shoves his package into Paul's face.
Then he pills it out for the novelties.
Let's find out what a disappointed Paul Bearer had to say about that.
So Paul, tell me what happened.
Oh, that Casey guy cheated. He has webbed feet.
Oh, he does? Like a sea turtle? Yeah.
Let's swim like sea turtles like he did, huh?
Lay your eggs in the warm, wet sand.
Maybe I could fertilize them. Lay them! Lay them!
So after one round of novelty versus death,
we are all tied up at 2 to 2.
Ow! I'm dying.
Kenny you almost made me spill my
laudanum dribble glass. Ow! Ow! Ow!
All right, stop that nonsense.
Death is not funny.
Yeah, it makes me laugh.
Pretending to be impaled on a prefab pike?
It's disgusting and insensitive.
Yeah, it's my Lord of the Matrix death arrow.
Comes with instructions here. All right.
Gotta read it. Blah, blah, blah.
"Fool your friends." Mm-hmm.
"A thousand and one laughs." Mm-hmm.
How come you're not laughing? Ha ha ha. Laugh.
You wanna know why? Why?
'Cause I've got cancer. What?
I'm just kidding.
Tumor in a box. Oh. Ha!
[Announcer] When MXC returns,
it's Circle Jerkers Ahoy.
Get ready to come about, tugboat.
[Announcer] MXC is back
for more manufactured jesters
versus the put-us-to-resters.
[chuckles] Nice, huh?
Well, Kenny, your dressing room
is much more spacious than mine.
I had no idea. Yeah, and the best part,
it comes with a new game, Whack-a-Moyle.
I played it at Shecky Cheese.
Oh, well-- Try it.
Oh, did I do that right?
Yeah. Oh, there's another one.
You just hit 'em. [chuckles]
This is kinda-- Ha ha! Got him!
Here, let me try. No, no, no. I'm not done.
Just get me some more quarters. Come here!
In this challenge,
contestants try to stay in the circle
without getting jerked off
by one of our world-class circle jerkers.
I have nothing more to add.
So I suggest we begin now!
And let's meet our jerkers. The dreaded Red Curse.
I will give you cramps and put you in a horrible mood.
And the engorged Purple Package.
You don't wanna mess with this package.
Got it?
Golden Shower Boy.
I feel good all over.
And the dreaded Mel Anoma.
[gurgling]
And of course, the Green Tea Bagger.
Get ready to be Tea Bagged.
That's spelled with a capital T-B-AG.
Tea Bag!
Menacing stuff. Yeah.
And the rain already starting to come down,
gonna make for some slippery jerking.
It's time to play! Right you are.
And let's go down to the Captain.
First up for the death industry,
it's Corey Nerr.
He draws the dreaded Mel Anoma.
Corey runs the cemetery convenience store, Last Rites Aid.
Yeah, you can get rosary beads and aspirin.
Right you are, Ken. Oh! And look at that!
Mel Anoma, jerked out of the circle and into the fluid.
Let's take another look.
Corey celebrating, of course.
Yeah, right there. He's just surgically removed.
Right you are, Ken.
Once malignant, now benign.
I hope Mel Anoma put on his sunscreen.
He's gonna get skin cancer. Right you are, Ken.
Next up, Rex Hinckley,
the inventor of Nike Glycerines,
the hilarious exploding shoes.
Oh! Oh!
[Man] Get a medic in here!
Totally cool. That was awesome. Novelty gag gone wrong.
That's our MXC impact replay. Horrible. He could have been hurt.
Let's take another look. Oh, man. That's disturbing.
Right you are, Ken. Let's see it again.
I think he put too much gun powder in his shoes.
I think you might be right.
Let's go down to the action.
He appears to be ready for circle jerking.
Let's see.
Oh, going up against Golden Shower Boy.
There's Hinckley, of course.
Go! Ready! Jerk!
He appears to be moving remarkably well
for a man with a severed spinal cord.
That Golden Shower Boy is pissed. Right you are, Ken.
He appears to be all over him.
Oh! Right there! Just kneed him in the nads!
But Golden Shower Boy, with only one nodular component left
manages to force Hinckley into the water.
Golden Shower Boy is declared the winner. Unbelievable.
Let's go down to Gab. She's with Hinckley now.
Oh, my goodness. Are you okay?
How many fingers am I holding up?
Huh? Tell me. I can't see your hand.
Oh, no. You're really injured, huh?
It's not my head that hurts. It's my knee.
That guy packs quite a package.
Yes, I can see.
I tink I got a glass knee. Ooh, wow.
♪ Oh, I'm a pretty girl ♪
Next up, Janet Jamerson.
Oh, and she draws the Red Curse.
The Red Curse.
Unbelievable, Ken.
Janet supplies tissues at porn star funerals.
Yeah, they're also for wiping your eyes, too.
Right you are.
We're lucky to have the Red Curse.
He only works a couple days a month. Indeed.
Let's see how they size up here.
There she goes. Janet on the offensive.
They're tamping back and forth.
She's in a bad mood. Right you are, Ken.
Definitely irritable.
Oh, look at that.
Picks her up into an absorbent shield.
Looks like he's gonna go for a full applicator.
Oh! And now she is bloated and definitely retaining a lot of water.
Next up for novelty, it's Brent Narsh.
He's the maker of Boy Buzzer.
It's a party in your pants.
The Green Tea Bagger.
He's gonna get the Green Tea Bagger.
That's a great gag. I love that buzzer.
I use mine all the time. Right you are.
♪ If you're small or large ♪
♪ You still get a charge ♪
♪ A high voltage shock ♪
♪ Right through your ♪
♪ Pants ♪
Good stuff.
Let's see how this match shapes up, Ken.
Oh! Tea Bagger wastes no time!
Look at that, Ken. I don't know if he's celebrating,
or some kind of spasms.
No, I think Brent Marsh put a Boy Buzzer in his pants.
I think you're right. I smell hair burning.
Might be a little singed taint.
Let's take another look there.
You can see Brent Marsh's Boy Buzzer in full effect.
And into the fluid.
And he takes one on the chin from the Tea Bagger.
Next up, Floozy Homemaker,
inventor of the EZ-Bake cremation oven for kids.
Yeah, it's cool, but you have to supply
your own dead hamsters, turtles, ferrets,
gold fish, neighborhood cats. Right you are, Ken.
Look at that. She got the Purple Package.
This is for all my kids! All 35 of them!
She's a mother first.
And look at that. There's all the kids.
Good-looking group.
Also a great competitor, Ken. Look at her.
Driving right into the Purple Package.
She's been there before, I think.
Thrusting heavily.
Oh, look at that.
Oh! Floozy into the fluid. And she is down.
And there, of course, her kids.
One last good-bye before they're divided up
in the MXC foster care services program.
So Death takes the lead 3 to 2.
[Announcer] When MXC returns,
it's time to deface the music
with Elimination Idol.
Got it, pitch pipe?
[Announcer] MXC is back,
as the burial mounds take on the gag hounds.
[chuckling]
Well, Kenny, again your dressing room is very spacious.
Well accommodated. Yeah.
I'm gonna start taking things more serious.
Start watching the news. Check it out.
It's now time for Eyewitness News.
Our first story is important.
You must lean very close to the screen to hear it.
Yeah, watch closer.
Oh, okay. [laughing]
I got you, Vic! Smell-O-Vision!
I can't believe that.
[coughing] It's time for Elimination Idol.
Sea chest in. I'm Ryan.
Tonight, four talented challengers
will bout out some top-40 favorites.
Hoping to score big points for their teams.
Now, let us meet our judges.
Simon Bowel and Randies Johnson.
Ryan, here's one for you.
How about trying sea chest outed, fruit bowl.
Yeah, what up, dog?
Props to everyone. Ahh-ite?
Hi, we're Paula and Abdul
and we're completely forgettable.
First up, Mark Cavrone,
maker of post-mordem potpurri.
A dead body wash refreshment.
[yelling]
♪ I don't care if you're old ♪
♪ As long as your dead ♪
♪ And covered with mold ♪
♪ And I get my bed ♪
♪ I'm a necrophiliac ♪
Oh! And William Shatner's blown his top!
That's the end of Mark's song.
That's a beautiful song, Vic.
Indeed it is, Ken.
It looks like Simon and Randy agree.
Oh! Wait a minute.
I guess they think he needs more soul.
Right you are.
But if you liked them call the number below.
Ask for Steve.
Oh! Next up for Novelty,
here's the inventor of the coughing ashtray, Tina Trinket.
She's hot.
Indeed, she is.
♪ I guess you've heard by now ♪
♪ I'm the girl with the lazy eye ♪
♪ My left one ♪
♪ Stares at your ugly face ♪
Oh! William Shatner chimes in,
cutting her off.
Here comes Simon and Randy.
Let's see what they have to say.
I think they liked her, Vic.
Oh! But apparently not her singing.
Two pumps in the face and that's it for Tina.
But don't let slay you.
If you liked her, make sure you call the number below.
Yeah, I gotta write that down.
That's our MXC impact replay.
Right here.
Check it out.
I think Randy plays a little booty vote.
Kenny!
We're moving on to our next contestant.
Super model, Claudia Stiffer.
She models wardrobes for the deceased.
Yeah, she modeled the flannel gown
my lesbian uncle was buried in.
Good to know, Ken.
Now you can see the crowd getting into it.
Here goes Claudia.
♪ Even though I know they're dead ♪
♪ I want them to look good it's true ♪
♪ So I dress them up in clothes ♪
♪ To match their skin that's blue ♪
Oh! Shatner cracks one off.
Here comes Simon charging the stage.
So is the audience, Ken.
She's hot.
Indeed she is, Ken.
Let's see what Simon and Randy think about her singing.
I'm still beautiful.
Indeed, she is beautiful,
but her voice apparently is not.
She got black-listed.
Better than being black-balled.
Right you are, Ken.
Let's go down to find out what happened.
Hi, again.
Yes, I see you were face-fisted.
How did that feel?
Yeah, as a model I'm used to taking it in the face.
[audience cheering]
Last up for the death team.
It's Andy Poulson.
He markets a blow-up doll patch kit.
Yeah, it can seal any tear or forced puncture.
Right you are, Ken.
Great product, I can speak from experience.
Look right at the camera and really sell it.
It's all up to you, now.
♪ I love you so I wrote this happy song ♪
♪ I told you what I like you remembered ♪
♪ You're never wrong ♪
♪ You wait for me ♪
♪ There's the tease ♪
♪ Always there to please ♪
♪ I can share you--
Audience really soaking it up.
♪ Oh how I love your buttons ♪
♪ You're the box that never tells me no ♪
♪ My TiVo ♪
Where are the chick'' voices coming from?
Look at that, Ken.
William Shatner had nothing to say on that one.
Simon and Randy up on stage.
Looks like Andy might be our winner.
Yeah, it's official.
Steve says both calls came in.
Andy's the winner.
So we're tied up, 3-3.
Indeed.
Hey, Vic, I gotta chick for you.
All right, let's have a look.
Back door no baby, Vic.
[Announcer] When MXC returns,
it's time to get banged, hard.
Stay where you are.
Foam finger.
MXC is back for the final battle
between the grim reapers and the laugh heapers.
Hey, Vic, the Novelty team gave me this.
What is it?
Well, it's the funny turnip, Ken.
It says right here.
For your friends and whatever you do don't shake it.
Well, it's time for wall bangers.
Players race through the four walls.
Each wall only has one passable door.
Choose the right door and break through to victory.
Choose the wrong door and you belong to Skanky.
Git it on!
First up for death.
I like handling stiffs.
That's Stevie Wagner.
He's a drum major on the death march team
from Rhode Island prep.
Oh, yeah, good old R.I.P.
Right you are, Ken.
Oh!
There he is resting in pieces.
What a shame for Stevie,
and a shame for the death team.
First up for Novelty.
I think I forgot my pin number.
That's Joe Ahab.
Inventor of chum gum.
The prank gum for fishermen.
It's minty fresh on the outside,
with a chewy, squid-ink center.
Mmm, appetizing stuff, Ken.
Lets see what he does here.
Oh! He takes it hard.
He's into a back-sided inflating flounder.
Here's the death fairy.
Don't be afraid.
Put your dead grandma under the pillow
and get a shiny new quarter.
Oh! The death fairy hits hard into a rean cartwheel.
Let's take another look, Ken.
You can see right there,
running with a reckless abandon
of a person that has nothing to live for.
Indeed.
Kenny, did you just say indeed?
Yes, right you are, Vic.
Kenny, those happen to be my catch phrases.
You don't see me whoo hooing all over the place, do you?
Here's Trixie Wint.
She makes skid markers.
You can fool you friends
by staining your own skibbies.
Yeah, the markers come in brown, yellow, and raw sienna.
Oh! Trixie right there into the net!
Here comes Skanky.
Oh! She's brutally fisted by Skanky.
Right you are.
Next up, Frank Coslen,
he's a grave digger.
That's kind of boring.
No, Kenny, he doesn't actually dig graves,
he's just very enthusiastic about them.
Oh!
Looks like someone might actually have to dig a grave for him.
Indeed.
Kenny.
I shave my inner thighs!
Next up, Kathy Busby,
the inventor of the edible pearl necklace,
for the debutante who has everything.
Wearable salty snack from the maker of Jimmy Junk Food.
Right you are.
She's through the first wall.
Thorough the second, Ken.
I think she might go all the way.
I think she probably has.
Oh! Right past Skanky!
Through the third wall.
This is it, Vic. Right here!
This could be it!
She's done it!
Unbelievable!
She puts Novelty in the lead.
Next up, the last chance for Death, Matt Goss.
Matt, of course, worked a funeral dating guide
called "Getting Tail From the Crypt".
He shared this with us earlier.
Here's how you score at funerals.
They just lowered the coffin, okay?
Then you walk up to the hot widow
and you say, "You know, honey,
"when you bent over to throw the dirt on the casket,
I couldn't help noticing you're wearing a thong."
Matt also the author of What Not To Say At a Funeral.
Yeah, things like, "Can I have his watch?"
Mm-hmm.
Ow!
He's down there on the second wall.
Or, "I saw the body move, I swear."
Oh, right past Skanky.
Or, "Hey, did you put a sock in his pants?"
Oh! He's down, Ken.
Looks like he might need someone to pick him up.
Let's take another look
on our MXC Impact Replay.
Right here.
Somebody's got to pack him on ice.
Right you are, Ken.
So, Matt Goss, the mortuary make-out master,
digs his own grave.
The Novelty team takes it, 4-3.
Well, Ken, another great competition, ay?
Yeah, hey, Vic, sit down.
Oh, all right. [fart noise]
Whoopie cushions rule. Ha ha!
Kenny!
It's time for Kenny Blankenship's
Painful Eliminations of the Day!
Blast off at number 10.
It's whack-a-mohel.
Those foreskin heads were whacked with circa precision.
And number 9 goes
to Brent Narsh's dance of death.
But the green teabagger's dance is silent but deadlier.
The number 8 spot goes to the chicks
who made wet spot so much fun.
They're hot...but--
Number 7 goes to dead super model Claudia Stiffer,
who takes a big, black wad across the face.
Oh, she's a dirty girl.
Number 6 goes to the death fairy,
who wall bangs himself so hard,
he burned his pixie into dust.
Number 5 goes a pretty Janet Jamerson,
who gets moffed and splashed by the dreaded Red Curse
in a coat textbook move.
Checking in at number 4 is gravedigger Frank Coslet,
who almost puts himself 6 feet under
going over the top.
Number 3 goes to coughing ashtray inventor Tina Trinket,
who ends up singing the blues.
Number 2 goes to Matt Goss,
who tries to slip himself under the door
and then gets himself slammed in the face.
Bad day for Matt.
My most painful elimination of the day goes to...
Exploding shoe dude, Rex Hinckley,
who gets it in his head to sever all relations
with his neck and spine.
A true eliminator.
[fart noise]
Another whoopie cushion, huh, Ken?
No, that was me.
What do we always say?
[all] Don't get eliminated!
♪ Oh, I'm a pretty girl, La la la ♪
Closed-Captioned By Jr.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA